Kathryn & Grandma's Birthday

I haven't had the chance to post pictures from the little birthday party Kathryn and Grandma shared.  I'm so glad they  had the chance to celebrate together.

1 Year Check-Up

Today we took Kathryn to her 1 year check-up.  Not much has changed.  She's still super tall and skinny.  Here are her stats:

Height: 31 inches (95th percentile)
Weight: 19 pounds 13 ounces (25th-30th percentile)
Head: 75th percentile (I don't recall the exact measurement)

She's been congested for about a week so I asked Dr. Lavoie to check her ears, just in case and sure enough, she's got another ear infection.  The poor girl has definitely inherited my inner ears.  She was acting fine though.  I'm glad she's not in pain.  I just hope the antibiotics clear this up fast. 

Time out...I'm getting sentimental

I just wanted to write a few thoughts down from tonight about when I was putting Kathryn to bed.  She didn't want her bottle, which I guess is good because we're trying to wean her off it.  I was worried though because the bottle soothes her.  She has been just going in the crib and falling asleep, but when I put her in there, she started to cry, which wasn't like her.  So, I held her and she rested her head on my shoulder.  I rocked her in the glider and it was very peaceful.  She just looked at me and we said some prayers and I cried a little as we prayed for Grandma Peggy.  I'm really missing her and it was nice to have my daughter there to help ease the pain because I often see Grandma in Kathryn.  After we said our prayers, I rested her on my shoulder again and she seemed relaxed.  When I tried putting her back in her crib, she started to whimper.  She was lying on her back and I began running my fingers through her hair and I saw her eyes begin to close.  She was fighting sleep, but as I kept rubbing, her eyes kept closing.  She kept opening her eyes every once in a while to make sure I was there, but she finally gave up and fell asleep.  I don't know why I enjoyed it so much.  I guess I just love knowing that she needs me and she loves me so much.  I never thought someone would need me the way she does and I never knew someone would love me the way she does.  I know I need to treasure this because I know someday she'll be all grown up and she won't need me the way she does now.  So...until then, I'll try and cherish these precious moments. 

Santa Claus is Coming to Town!

We took Kathryn to see Santa today.  She was all dressed up in her adorable Christmas outfit.  She got so many compliments.  The best though was this one lady who was passing us, saw Kathryn and goes, "Oh my!  She looks divine!  Divine!"  It totally cracked us up.  She did look divine though.

It seems like only yesterday we were taking her for her first visit to Santa.  She was only a couple of weeks old, if even that.  We'd gone for our newborn pictures at JC Penney.  I still remember I was breastfeeding her in the car in a secluded area of the parking lot.  We'd been sitting there a while and then a mall security guy comes up to the car to check what we were doing.  Jared's all, "My wife's breastfeeding in the backseat."  I'm not sure the security guard knew what to say, but he left knowing we weren't there to cause any trouble.  It's amazing how time flies because it really seems like it just happened, when in actuality, it's been an entire year.  She looks like a giant compared to last year. 

She was pretty good with Santa.  She didn't cry, but I couldn't get her to look at the camera.  It turned out okay though.  It's a memory at least. It's the same Santa as last year, so that's kinda cool. I'm sure we'll be taking next year's Santa picture we know it.

Santa and Kathryn 2012.

Santa and Kathryn 2011.

Deck the Halls

We spent yesterday afternoon getting the Christmas stuff out of the attic and decorating the inside of the house.  Kathryn was very good during the whole thing and seemed curious about it all.  This is her second Christmas, but last year she was only a couple of weeks old when we put up the tree.  She seemed excited this year and kept taking ornament boxes out and she loved playing with the lights.  I'll post more pictures of the decorations once the house is put back in order, but for now, here's a few pictures of us decorating yesterday.

She loved the boxes.

Getting ready to decorate!

Jared and Kate putting on some ornaments.

She loved the lights.

We found my hair comb from our wedding in a box. I didn't realize Jared was taking pictures of me wearing it.

Putting on the star!

The tree!  It'll look better with presents underneath.

She loves the holiday shower curtain.

Jenny got Kathryn this NYPL "Future Reader" shirt.  She was finally able to wear it today.

The Nugen Stockings: These stockings have been a tradition since the 1940s.  Grandma Peggy made mine back when I was born and Jared's when we got married and Aunt Sheryl made Kathryn's last year.  I'll always treasure them.

Grandma Peggy

Yesterday was a tough day.  My Grandma Peggy passed away.  She hadn't been doing well for a while, but we were all hoping she would make it past Thanksgiving.  She didn't.  My parents didn't want to tell us till today because it was Thanksgiving and Kathryn's birthday.  They didn't want to ruin our day, but I called my dad around 11am to ask a question about caulking and then I asked about Grandma.  He hesitated, but then said everything was status quo.  I asked him if it really was because he'd paused and then he told me she had passed away about an hour before.  I had been expecting it, but I wasn't ready.  My dad seemed okay and he told me he had a premonition it was going to happen.  He was sleeping and around 3:30am and a bright light shot through his mind and he saw Jesus sitting there with his arms open.  This gave me chills because I knew he was welcoming my grandma home. 

After I found out, I cried and thought back on the good times. I also tried to stay happy because it was Kathryn's birthday.  It's been hard today too because I think about the little things I'll never get to do with her again.  I'll never eat one of her eggs again.  She made the best fried eggs.  I'll never play dominoes or Yahtzee with her again.  She loved to play games. I'll never talk about the weather with her again.  We often talked about the weather.  I just miss her so much already.  I didn't grow up with her, and I usually saw her once a year, but there was always that knowledge that I would see her again.  When I said goodbye to her a couple of weeks ago, I knew it was the last time I would hug her goodbye.  I knew I wouldn't see her in this life again.  I know she is happy though.  She is with my grandpa and they loved each other so much.  She has missed him and I know they are embracing right now and they're young and perfect.  Grandma used to tell me how hard it was to get old because your mind still feels young, but your body can't keep up.  I know she's perfect now though.  I couldn't have asked for a more supportive set of grandparents and I love them and I miss them.  I can still hear both of their voices and the way they said my name.  I don't think I'll ever forget that.  I'll never forget them and I know I'll see them again.  It hurts knowing they're gone, but I've got to remember they're happy and they're together.  I love you Grandma and Grandpa. 

Our last visit with Grandma.

This was taken about 6 years ago when Jared and I drove to Kansas to visit.  Grandma tried to teach Jared to knit.  We all got a good laugh out of it. 

Grandma came to Connecticut for Christmas a few years back and we took her gambling at Mohegan Sun.

Me, Grandma, Tarin and Andrew

Beautiful picture of Grandma at Tarin's wedding.

Grandpa, Me and Grandma at my high school graduation in 1998.

Grandpa and Grandma in 1943

Grandpa, Grandma and me on my wedding day: Aug. 5, 2000

A visit in AZ.  Love our clothes!

Sitting on Grandpa's lap during a visit to Kansas.

Grandpa and Me in Chicago during Tarin's boot camp graduation.

Tarin, Grandpa and Me in Chicago.

Grandpa, Me and Honey Dawg in Sierra Vista.

Me and Grandma

Grandma visiting Grandpa in NYC.

Together at Wrigley Field.

Grandma and Tarin

Tarin, Katie, Grandpa, Grandma, Me and Jeff at my high school graduation in 1998.

Tarin, Grandma and Me

1 Year Montage

I made a video montage of Kathryn's first year.  Here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyeAf8z-WLA

Happy Birthday!

Today is Kathryn's first birthday.  She woke up around 6:30am, as usual and when I went in singing to get her, she was her typical happy self.

So happy on her birthday!

I still can't believe Kathryn is a year old.  A year ago I was still in the hospital a year ago and Kathryn was still in the level 1 nursery.  She wasn't able to come into the room with us yet.  I didn't even get to hold her for about 12 hours after her birth and when I did, it was very special.  I still remember her birth like it was yesterday.  We had to wake up early and be at the hospital around 7am.  I checked in and got settled.  They hooked me up to some monitors and we met our super nice nurse, Beth.  I wasn't that nervous about the c-section because everyone had told me how great they were. I was nervous about the catheter though because I learned in a c-section class the put it in while you are still awake.  That freaked me out and it turns out I had every right to be worried.  The catheter didn't hurt going in, but once it was in I was nearly crawling out of my skin.  It was the worst, most disgusting feeling every.  I can't even describe it. I wanted to yank it out and when Jared tried to comfort me, I just pushed him away. I didn't want anyone to touch me.  At that point I couldn't wait to get my spinal so I wouldn't feel the catheter anymore.  I was nervous for that too.  They wheeled me into the operating room, but Jared couldn't come in.  I was shivering from how uncomfortable the catheter was and two nurses held me to calm down so the doctor could do my spinal.  It didn't hurt, but once it kicked in, I was a very happy lady.  The discomfort immediately went away and I though, "Bring it on!"  Little did I know, the fun was just beginning.

They brought Jared in and he was loaded down with three cameras.  They immediately got to work, but I could tell things weren't going as planned.   It was taking a very long time to get her out and I even heard Dr. Kalla say, "This is unusual."  At one point, I got very nauseous and I thought I was going to pass out.  I was vomiting and I told my anesthesiologist, who was so nice.  He gave me some anti-nausea medication, which would later make me very loopy.  I still felt like I was going to pass out and I felt like I was fading in and out.  It was like something out of a movie.  Come to find out, a doctor was on my chest trying to push Kathryn out.  Turns out she had turned and they couldn't get her.  They had to use the vacuum to help.  She finally came out at 8:53am and I still remember hearing her cry for the first time.  It made her feel real for the first time.  I still remember Jared's voice saying how amazing she was.  They whisked her off to clean her up while they sewed me up.  They brought her to me, but it was only for about 15 seconds.  They rushed her out of the delivery room because her oxygen supply had been depleted during the birth.  It was all so hectic and I was just glad she was okay.  Later I'd find out just how crazy the birth was and how lucky we were.  I was told I lost a lot of blood during the delivery and I had to agree once I saw the video.  It was like a butcher shop with blood everywhere.  Then we found out Kathryn was born with two knots in her cord.  Had I carried to term and she began dropping, there would've been a good chance she would've died because as she descended, the knots would've tightened cutting off her blood supply.  A nurse told she had a friend who lost a baby that way.  It was a blessing that she had to be born 4 weeks early.

Holding Kathryn for the first time.

All hooked up.

2 days old and so beautiful.

I recovered and was pretty loopy for a few hours.  They finally wheeled me into the level 1 nursery to see her around 8pm.  It was such a surreal feeling to finally see her.  She was all hooked up to wires and she had to have an oxygen helmet.  They unhooked her though and let me hold her and so began our life together.  I never knew I could love another person the way I love her.  Happy first birthday, Baby Kathryn!

Here are some other pictures from today.

Jean got her a new Red Sox shirt.  She loved Wally on the front.

Eating some of the cake I made her.

She loved eating limes too, which I was very surprised about.

Kathryn Skyped with her cousins, aunts & uncles and grandma back in Arizona.  It was so sweet to see them all gathered around the camera and I loved when they sang happy birthday to her.  We sure to miss them.

On a very sad note...today was bittersweet.  I woke up all excited for Kathryn's first birthday, but around 11am, I found out Grandma Peggy passed away this morning.  No matter how expected it is, you can never prepare yourself.  I miss her so much already.  I will dedicate tomorrow's post to Grandma.  I'm mentally drained and she deserves a post with a clear head. 

One more thing:  I know I posted this on the blog when Kathryn was 5 months old (I think), but I wanted to post it again since I wrote exactly a year ago on the day she born.  It was my thoughts on that day and I always want to be reminded of them.

 November 22, 2011

As many of you know, becoming a mother was never in my plans.  I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of being a mommy.  I thought I might have kids, but I never set out to make it happen. I'd been married to Jared for 10 years and together as a couple for 14 years and I was content with our carefree lifestyle. I couldn't imagine anything holding me back from doing what I wanted to do.  That all changed on April 22, 2011 when I discovered I was pregnant.
I felt more like a 16 year old than a a woman of 31.  When I saw those results, all I could think was, "How did this happen?" and "What in the heck am I going to do?  I can't be a mom!"  I was scared out of my wits and it didn't help that I was 3000 miles away visiting my sister in Washington state when I found out.  I couldn't even tell my husband face to face, but when I did tell him, he knew exactly what to say to make me realize we may just be able to pull this off.  He said to me, "This is amazing.  You don't know how long I've wanted to hear this from you.  Thank you for this gift."  Hearing those words, I knew it might be possible. 
The timing just wasn't great though.  Jared had been unexpectedly discharged from the navy three months earlier and was going to school full time.  I had no clue how we could manage adding a child to our lives, but somehow it all worked out and in Augusthe  found a great job with BAE Systems doing what he loves best: computer stuff.  It all was coming together and then my mom offered to come take care of the baby when I had to return to work.  It was such a relief knowing my mom would be there to care for my child while I went to work to care of my first graders. 
I thought I had all the time in the world to prepare for this baby.  So much happened though and so quickly.  We drove to Farmington, on the other side of Hartford, every week for special ultrasounds to make sure her heart was okay due to my Sjogren's Syndrome.  We knew from the get go she was a fighter.  We knew she was feisty just like her mom.  We loved getting to see our baby every week and were so excited to learn we were having a daughter.  Jared was over the moon because for years, that's all he'd ever talk about when it came to kids. He just wanted to have a little girl.  He high-fived me in the ultrasound room when we found out.  It was awesome.
The time flew and today she finally arrived, four weeks early.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was scared and nervous and to be truthful, I was in denial.  There was no way that I was going to be a mother.  I would be responsible for another human being.  The thought completely overwhelmed me.  However, thinking back on the events of today I believe my daughter was meant to be here.  She overcame so much to come into our lives.  She somehow managed to sidestep my plans of living a no child lifestyle. Then, she overcame the heart defects I could've given to her.  I also had a major surgery that resulted in carrying her to term unsafe. And finally today, after a difficult c-section where we discovered she had two knots in her cord, she made it here.  She overcame so much when she just could've given up.  She's here for a reason.  What that reason is,I don't know and as I look at her in her little oxygen helmet, I just want to hold her and keep her safe and thank her for showing me strength and a love I didn't know I had in me.  I wish I could snuggle her and be with her.  I've only been able to hold her for ten minutes, but those ten minutes have been some of the most poignant in my life.  I can't wait to get to know her better and find out why she was so determined to come into my life.  Kathryn Elizabeth, you are a gift in my life I didn't even know I wanted until I felt you moving inside me and when I look into your sweet face, which is so familiar and yet so strange.  I love you my daughter and I hope to be the best mom I can be to you.  I'm going to learn so much from you.  Thank you for coming into my life.