Life with the Honeybaby: 5 Months Old

5 months ago, Kathryn Elizabeth came into our lives. She has been such a blessing (even if she's still not sleeping through the night!) and is the sweetest little soul. Every day she amazes us and we love watching her learn and grow. She's so alert and curious and she smiles so much. It's hard to imagine our lives without her.

I wrote this in the hospital the night she was born:

As many of you know, becoming a mother was never in my plans. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of being a mommy. I thought I might have kids, but I never set out to make it happen. I'd been married to Jared for 10 years and together as a couple for 14 years and I was content with our carefree lifestyle. I couldn't imagine anything holding me back from doing what I wanted to do. That all changed on April 22, 2011 when I discovered I was pregnant.

I felt more like a 16 year old than a a woman of 31. When I saw those results, all I could think was, "How did this happen?" and "What in the heck am I going to do? I can't be a mom!" I was scared out of my wits and it didn't help that I was 3000 miles away visiting my sister in Washington state when I found out. I couldn't even tell my husband face to face, but when I did tell him, he knew exactly what to say to make me realize we may just be able to pull this off. He said to me, "This is amazing. You don't know how long I've wanted to hear this from you. Thank you for this gift." Hearing those words, I knew it might be possible.

The timing just wasn't great though. Jared had been unexpectedly discharged from the navy three months earlier and was going to school full time. I had no clue how we could manage adding a child to our lives, but somehow it all worked out and in August he found a great job with BAE Systems doing what he loves best: computer stuff. It all was coming together and then my mom offered to come take care of the baby when I had to return to work. It was such a relief knowing my mom would be there to care for my child while I went to work to care of my first graders.

I thought I had all the time in the world to prepare for this baby. So much happened though and so quickly. We drove to Farmington, on the other side of Hartford, every week for special ultrasounds to make sure her heart was okay due to my Sjogren's Syndrome. We knew from the get go she was a fighter. We knew she was feisty just like her mom. We loved getting to see our baby every week and were so excited to learn we were having a daughter. Jared was over the moon because for years, that's all he'd ever talk about when it came to kids. He just wanted to have a little girl. He high-fived me in the ultrasound room when we found out. It was awesome.

The time flew and today she finally arrived, four weeks early. I didn't know what to expect. I was scared and nervous and to be truthful, I was in denial. There was no way that I was going to be a mother. I would be responsible for another human being. The thought completely overwhelmed me. However, thinking back on the events of today I believe my daughter was meant to be here. She overcame so much to come into our lives. She somehow managed to sidestep my plans of living a no child lifestyle. Then, she overcame the heart defects I could've given to her. I also had a major surgery that resulted in carrying her to term unsafe. And finally today, after a difficult c-section where we discovered she had two knots in her cord, she made it here. She overcame so much when she just could've given up. She's here for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know and as I look at her in her little oxygen helmet, I just want to hold her and keep her safe and thank her for showing me strength and a love I didn't know I had in me. I wish I could snuggle her and be with her. I've only been able to hold her for ten minutes, but those ten minutes have been some of the most poignant in my life. I can't wait to get to know her better and find out why she was so determined to come into my life. Kathryn Elizabeth, you are a gift in my life I didn't even know I wanted until I felt you moving inside me and when I look into your sweet face, which is so familiar and yet so strange. I love you my daughter and I hope to be the best mom I can be to you. I'm going to learn so much from you. Thank you for coming into my life.